ACMESHORTS - We Are The Internet

	Thursday 8/14/2008 We were sitting on our fucking throne when the court page ran in. by qualcomm
	Monday 8/4/2008 gakwer by qualcomm
	Monday 6/30/2008 papal bull by qualcomm
	Monday 6/2/2008 Often The Qualities We Most Loathe In Others... by Jon Matza
	Tuesday 4/29/2008 The audio cassette hissed away on aJkrh's Nagra. by qualcomm

Fresh Short - Wednesday 3/17/2004

"One peanut butter and salt sandwich, asshole," I said to Jean George's maitre d'.

"I'll be back, you fuck!" I found myself shouting on the sidewalk minutes later.

"Don't you blowjobs have some minorities to hassle?" I remarked to the cops. "And what's with the nightsticks? I though you pigs were partial to toilet plungers."

"Hey you fucking quack," I groaned to the ER doctor, "Use some mouthwash, stat!"

"Faggoty robes, St. Peter, real A-1 homo duds, guy."

Author: qualcomm

Avg. Rating: 4.65 (20 votes received)
Word Count: 78
Submitted: 3/13/2004 3:02:16 PM
Controversy Picks: 0

User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
4/7/2006 2:43:42 AM - Master Bates (): Haw!
2/14/2006 7:29:28 AM - scoop: Aw man, I sure do miss Mafia Mike.
8/23/2005 3:04:32 PM - Klause Muppet (): Very short. Very funny.
8/23/2005 1:13:59 PM - The Rid (): Always dug this one.
12/3/2004 11:06:58 AM - Dick Vomit (): Big on this one. Thank goodness the messge boards brought me here.
12/2/2004 6:53:13 PM - Litcube (): Indeed, very efficient. Well done, Qualcomm.
10/12/2004 8:40:10 AM - Mr. Pony: Sup.
10/12/2004 12:33:47 AM - Pix: Dude.
10/11/2004 7:41:25 PM - scoop: Farted.
10/11/2004 7:16:32 PM - Mr. Pony: Farted?
10/11/2004 7:13:05 PM - scoop: She farted.
10/11/2004 7:09:44 PM - Mr. Pony: Ah, annebot was fun. What ever happened to annebot? I mean, where did annebot go?
7/25/2004 3:52:33 PM - scoop (): Forgot about this one. Kraut like efficiency is to be admired here. Effectively effective.
7/16/2004 11:50:56 PM - TheBuyer (): ha! shit, I read this before when I was on a The Artist Formerly Known As The Lerpa kick but didn't want to look like a suck-up 5ing all The Artist Formerly Known As The Lerpa shorts. now I don't care if everyone knows my deep, crushy admiration for him, I want the whole world to know. grr tiger, grr.
3/18/2004 7:28:20 PM - qualcomm: they call me The Sufficer.
3/18/2004 7:10:12 PM - scoop: The ladies don't call me "THE ACCOMMODATOR" for nothing, annebot.
3/18/2004 1:39:45 PM - Mr. Pony: Whoa whoa whoa
3/18/2004 1:37:23 PM - annebot: Ok dudes, WANG check! Tell me what you are packin' How big is your meat and can it be beat?
3/18/2004 12:33:43 PM - Mr. Pony (): Why does no one ever talk about my measurements?
3/18/2004 12:28:46 PM - Mafia Mike (): (no comment)
3/17/2004 7:11:38 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum (): (no comment)
3/17/2004 6:05:17 PM - Dylan Danko: Disney, her huge tits ARE the point(s)! Who the fuck cares about this short now??
3/17/2004 6:04:14 PM - Dylan Danko: Advantage Scoop! Only coz I was gonna say skein but couldn't remember it due to factors relating to drink.
3/17/2004 5:56:15 PM - Will Disney: I think we're missing the point here. Despite her huge tits, Annebot's rating of this short is criminal!
3/17/2004 5:17:12 PM - scoop: I think she may have talking about the lot of us, From Author, thus the liberal use of gaggle. Just FYI.
3/17/2004 5:16:12 PM - annebot: I have no interest in discussing my wicked hot ass. It only takes away from the discussion of my gigantic tits.
3/17/2004 5:07:54 PM - From Author: yeah, and is two really a gaggle?
3/17/2004 5:07:32 PM - Moe-Ron (): 4 stars for the short, bumped up to 5 stars for that last comment to annebot. Clearly, there are still vestiges of ol' drunken Feldspar within The Lerpa cause this short is pure drunken Feldy.
3/17/2004 5:06:00 PM - scoop: Flying in the air we are referred to as a "skein" of tards. Just FYI
3/17/2004 5:03:04 PM - annebot: well.... I have always dreamed of having a conversation about my measurements with a gaggle of tards!
3/17/2004 4:56:50 PM - From Author: i've been wrong about this sort of thing before, but i suspect that annebot is a cow.
3/17/2004 4:54:57 PM - Will Disney: annebot, you may be hot but you're freaking crazy if you think this is 3.
3/17/2004 4:39:19 PM - annebot (): mediocre.
3/17/2004 12:40:54 PM - $: I've noticed that.
3/17/2004 11:39:10 AM - John Slocum: $: no one seems to care to respect your wishes, no matter how clear you convey them.
3/17/2004 11:36:12 AM - $: I really don't appreciate jokes about my name, Benny. I've tried to make that clear.
3/17/2004 11:28:05 AM - Benny Maniacs: Hey $, do you have like ten bucks you could lend me?
3/17/2004 11:17:00 AM - Benny Maniacs (): This is obviously a five star piece, but since I'm in a bad mood, and didn't laugh, I'm giving it four.
3/17/2004 11:16:02 AM - $ (): At first I didn't quite follow this, but after I re-read it I thought it was really funny.
3/17/2004 10:16:39 AM - Dylan Danko: I guess Matza never watched Trapper John, MD.
3/17/2004 10:13:22 AM - Ewan Snow: Stat means immediately, right now. Not sure of etym. Look it up, dude.
3/17/2004 10:11:04 AM - Jon Matza (): From the moment the narrator's misguided order sets the story into action, the plot marches forward with pitiless logic until its all-but-inevitable, tragic denoument is reached. A chilling cautionary tale.
p.s. 'Stat' is a slur for doctor, I presume? Where it come from? Etymologists?
3/17/2004 10:10:30 AM - Dylan Danko (): I disagree with Slocum. A Satan joke would have been too obvious. Thing is, I laughed but not that hard.
3/17/2004 9:59:30 AM - Will Disney: ha!
3/17/2004 9:51:40 AM - Ewan Snow (): (no comment)
3/17/2004 9:47:35 AM - Will Disney: man this one is funny.
3/17/2004 9:28:13 AM - John Slocum: For me almost 5 stars, and maybe I should have given it, but what would have pushed me over the edge would be one more little line where character insults the devil. Maitre d puts him on the street, policeman puts him in hospital, doctor kills him, st.pete sends him to hell. The St. pete line is pentultimate for me.
3/17/2004 8:33:22 AM - Craig Lewis: Did The Lerpa write this?
3/17/2004 8:22:17 AM - Will Disney (): come on - this is five stars!
3/17/2004 8:20:06 AM - John Slocum (): Few words but alot of movement and action, all conveyed simply through angry comments. Very well done.
3/17/2004 7:52:01 AM - Craig Lewis (): Doy-hickey.
3/17/2004 7:51:21 AM - Craig Lewis: The protagonist of this short has "issues." I really admire the concision here; so short and sweet. To me this is a 4.5, but I bumped it up une demi-étoile because of the brevity.

Mail this to a friend!

Fresh Short - Wednesday 12/12/2007

I awoke to the sight of Lancon’s pockmarked jaw perched inches from my face. His visage was twisted into a sadistic leer and the stink of his hot breath settled over me like viscous, custardy fart. Clearly he’d been waiting for my eyes to open: His fist crashed into my cock like a duffel bag of anvils.

“You want to give me a hand job, use some grease,” I said. Insult was the trick with Lancon, as sensitive a guy as they come. “Run your hands through your fairy hairdo, that should do it.” From the corner of my eye I saw his leather-jacketed dirtball of a sidekick suppress a snigger. Lancon went red as a lobster. He tore a switchblade from his pocket and jammed it into my left eyeball.

“Oo, Swiss Army? Didn’t know you were a scout. Who gets the foot end of the sleeping bag when you and the Fonz here 69 each other?”

It didn’t go over too good. A chainsaw fired up & soon the top half of my skull hung by a flap of skin.

“Take a look inside, guy. See that gray stuff? It’s brain. Have a long look. B-R-A-I-N. Brain.”

“Shut up you—ya f-f-fucking—” he stammered.

“Word of advice if you’re gonna stutter, Lancon: Binaca. Your breath smells like Chinatown.” I wriggled out of my ropes and felled him with the heavy iron Eiffel Tower statuette I’d stashed behind the sofa. The Fonz made a run for it, leather jacket and all. “Remember me to Don Remo,” I suggested pleasantly as I fired six shots into his skull. I turned my attention back to Lancon and within a minute had him trussed up, gagged and hanging over the railing. He gaped up at me like a flounder.

It was time for a little informal info gathering session. Then again why hurry? I had plenty of time to rub it in a little. Savor the moment, that’s my philosophy.

“You always had the wits of a wooden shovel, Lancon, but I wouldn’t expect even you'd be that sloppy. With relish I held up the athletic cup, glass eye and fake skull that’d saved me from injury. You forgot rule number one: always check to make sure you’ve finished the gig.”

“Rule number two…”

Shit, what WAS rule number two??????????????

Author: Jon Matza

Avg. Rating: 4.5 (6 votes received)
Word Count: 387
Submitted: 12/11/2007 9:45:47 PM
Controversy Picks: 0

[view the betvite.com bet for this Short]

User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
2/7/2008 10:16:55 AM - qualcomm: no, it's better the first time.
1/30/2008 3:12:33 PM - Dylan Danko: this is better the second time around
12/27/2007 6:45:15 AM - Joseph Keith (): love the muted hostility... been a while since i read stuff on Acme....glad i did...thx
12/26/2007 5:16:57 AM - Mr. Pony: Well, yes. Although I guess I mean ""detract"".
12/21/2007 12:36:43 PM - Dylan Danko: detract?
12/19/2007 6:29:13 PM - Mr. Pony: Isn't that what it was supposed to do?
12/19/2007 2:17:32 PM - Dylan Danko (): Enjoyed this but the last line/gag detracted.
12/16/2007 4:58:10 PM - Ewan Snow (): Hi everyone! Uh, Matza, even though I'm a little disappointed in you for ripping off my Matza impression shtick, I can see some fresh Snowbanks (not just Snowdrifts!) in this one and will gladly pull that white blanket up over my head and, iglooed, count the flakes: *****
12/15/2007 3:42:39 PM - qualcomm: barack obama says "look" and "listen" a lot.
12/14/2007 1:38:22 AM - Litcube: I didn't mean to say "look". "Look" is very condescending, and I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry.
12/14/2007 1:01:08 AM - Litcube: Look, dude. I totally knew why you gave this short 5 jewel encrusted stars. I was just asking your opinion, is all. I totally knew it. I even said it. So I'm immune. Know who else is immune?
Jon Matza. He is immune to insults.
12/13/2007 12:03:12 AM - qualcomm: oh, look, litcube. your hero wrote this. and see how you insulted him.
12/12/2007 7:03:56 PM - Mr. Pony (): I was all set to give this short a four, but then I decided to give it a four-point-five instead. You hear that, Author? I decided. That's right. Me. Mr. Pony. Hi.
12/12/2007 1:11:51 PM - Litcube: There are some jewels, even five star jewels, and the whole premise is neat, like you say. I just don't know if it's a jewel encrusted 5 star premise. Also, “Take a look inside, guy. See that gray stuff? It’s brain. Have a long look. B-R-A-I-N. Brain.” This line might have made me screw up my face a little.
12/12/2007 12:25:14 PM - qualcomm: also, broderbund first graf.
12/12/2007 12:21:48 PM - qualcomm: this short has a lot of problems, i'll grant you that. it coulda been more elegantly written and shit. but i like its particular type of mean spiritedness, i like that it references the semi-obscure cliche of tough-guy-hero-mocking-villain's-attempts-to-torture-him, and last but not least lancon. that said, i was very close to giving it a 4.5, but it's the season of giving, and anyway, acme doesn't have half-star votes.
12/12/2007 11:48:13 AM - Litcube: Not that I'm oblivious as to the merits of this five star short (it's totally obvious), but I'm just curious why you two awarded thusly. Again, I totally know why, I just want to hear you say it. Just because I'm curious what you think.
12/12/2007 9:50:15 AM - Will Disney (): (no comment)
12/12/2007 9:27:31 AM - qualcomm: either snow's pulling a matza or matza's pulling a snow
12/12/2007 7:16:54 AM - qualcomm (): (no comment)

Mail this to a friend!

Fresh Short - Thursday 8/28/2008

I keep my mind in my brain, which is located in my skull, a round bone enclosure supported by my spinal column. I use it to control my actions, such as moving my arms, which terminate with manipulators – hands if you will. I use my hands to manipulate my genitals, two pendulant glands and a tube of erectile, sponge-like tissue, which, once properly manipulated, spurts buckets of hot jizz, which needs no explanation.

Author: Ewan Snow

Avg. Rating: 4.1 (5 votes received)
Word Count: 74
Submitted: 8/27/2008 10:16:23 PM
Controversy Picks: 0

[view the betvite.com bet for this Short]

User Feedback:(+ Add Comment)
9/5/2008 8:12:33 AM - Will Disney: quality
8/31/2008 7:46:15 PM - Litcube: Guys, can we just be positive?
8/29/2008 8:17:44 AM - Jon Matza: pendulant
8/29/2008 1:19:54 AM - Litcube: One positive spin on the death of Acmeshorts, is really the quality of these new shorts. I mean, who'd be retarded enough to post a poor short after the death of Acmeshorts So keep posting shorts after the death of Acmeshorts. They're bound to be excellent.
8/29/2008 12:39:12 AM - TheBuyer (): Shiny
8/28/2008 8:44:55 PM - Jimson S. Sorghum (): Yay! Hot jizz!
8/28/2008 8:41:18 PM - CrazyGuy: Uh, qualcomm, I don't appreciate being fed false information. This short is, in fact, not wholesome! At first I thought it was, but then it had "jizz"!
8/28/2008 5:27:17 PM - qualcomm: hey, crazyguy, i think i finally found a wholesome short!
8/28/2008 1:50:00 PM - From Author: Me too.
8/28/2008 1:14:51 PM - qualcomm (): i thought the ending was vulgar and uncalled-for
8/28/2008 12:51:01 PM - Litcube (): Buckets.
8/28/2008 2:53:23 AM - Mr. Pony (): (no comment)

Mail this to a friend!

Top Rated Shorts:

1. Penny Pulaski - published 3/18/2004 by qualcomm - Avg. Rating 2. I had been lubricating with iodine-125 and I think my wife’s vagina was degrading. - published 5/14/2004 by John Slocum - Avg. Rating 3. Kofi Annan absentmindedly fingered the burled walnut inlays on his Bentley's rear passenger control panel. - published 9/28/2004 by qualcomm - Avg. Rating 4. Slopcloth - published 3/1/2004 by Phony Millions - Avg. Rating 5. Be warned, ladies—I’m like a pit bull when it comes to pussy. - published 10/27/2004 by Jon Matza - Avg. Rating